co-written with Jesse Fernandez and Jesse Elias
After days of painstaking internet research, 8-bit archaeologists from Japan have unearthed several NES titles stricken from public memory. So frustrating and disorienting are these titles that only the Japanese could love them. They have tirelessly reconstructed cover art and screenshots to force these abominations back into the public eye.
1. Take Care of This Egg Over the Weekend!
Nintendo Entertainment System must remain on for an entire 72-hour weekend period in order to complete game.
Get ready for an action-packed weekend as you care for this egg like it’s your baby! Just make sure you don’t lose, drop, or let Dad mistake it for a regular egg and commit infanticide in your breakfast. If your egg survives the weekend, then congratulations: you are a girl.
2. Are You Colorblind?
With over 50 pseudochromatic plates, Are You Colorblind? is sure to push your eyeballs to the limit of their color-distinguishing abilities. If you beat the game, it is because your victory is predetermined from birth
3. Blow on the Cartridge!
Don’t give up now. Just blow harder into the cartridge. Or softer. I heard if you hold the cartridge under your shirt and blow on it, that works. Ha ha ha. What fun. Try jiggling the cartridge. Now let your brother give it a shot. You win when the game works perfectly except for that weird pixelation across the bottom of the screen.
4. Democracy Simulator
In this technically interactive game, you get to participate in the democratic process by casting your ballot along with millions of other votes simulated by a random number generator. Experience the satisfaction of expressing your opinion through the medium of checking one of two bubbles! So get ready to add your drop into the bucket of democracy!
5. Bluchh: Task of the Polygon
Help Bluchh manifest a series of colors and shapes by arranging the Glinks convergent outputs with its current value cycle, but be careful not to let any Laplyos disconsole your Glink input, or Bluchh will fail to actualize!
6. Chill
Hey dude are you down to kick it all day? Because Dave skipped class at the community college and now he wants to CHILL. Why beat the 1st level? Just hang out on level 1. One time this guy was just basically freaking out and jumping all over the screen, so Dave told him, “Dude, just chill.”
